'It seems to me that you need a lot of courage, or a lot of something, to enter into others, into other people. We think that everyone else lives in fortresses, in fastnesses: behind moats, behind sheer walls studded with spikes and broken glass. But in fact we inhabit much punier structures. We are, as it turns out, all jerry-built. Or not even. You can just stick your head under the flap of the tent and crawl right in. If you get the okay.'

-- Martin Amis, Time's Arrow

i saw sarah for the first time in years today and we had a pleasant conversation; it was all i could do to constantly remind myself that she wasn't alex. the two look so similar and i suppose even are similar in some ways, but it's obviously a different series of memories with each of them, and getting those mixed up would obviously be confusing and awkward. it's that way a lot now: sometimes i slip up. i'm not sure if my memory's as good as it used to be. it's those odd behind-the-scenes-of-a-conversation technical actions; there's probably an art to it but i learned by doing through long sweet nights on the phone with monica. that's how i always explain it to people, my conversational renaissance, my ability to talk to people and apparently be good at it. these days i always feel like i'm on the verge of a severe slip.

actually, i'm noticing that i'm a lot more nervous these days in general. it may be intermediate french or the fact that i have a lot more to lose or driving more or the lingering aftereffects of any number of life's changes and challenges. i get up earlier and go to bed later, living long full days and always getting everything done. somewhere on the edges of this i almost commit some grave and unknown error, pulling myself back from the precipice at the last moment. at least that's what it feels like.

a strong sense of calm overcomes. i was in dracut saturday night and sunday morning for the repair of sasha's ailing muffler (she's running much more quietly now) and got to experience my first good thunderstorm in a while in the early morning hours. the house shook, waking everyone, but i had the downstairs to myself, in smooth dark stretched upon a pull-out bed, interrupted by approaching flashes of lightning. a rain fell at last.