one magical way to think of this: i had a good experience with ssc administration, so anything is now possible.

so sudden. feels like last year, feels like forever. feels like the thing i always avoided, the events that i always skipped, the family functions i never showed up at, breeding resentment among the cousins.

but this time i'm going, this time there are administrative hurdles, photocopiers. the thrill of discovery. a chance for something better? something to write about, something to think about, something to live about. the culmination of my other life? there are two lives in play here, i realize that. scott mccaughey once famously (at least to me) sang, "after all is said and done, two lives are no better than one," but tied together as a single life i suppose it all works out fairly well.

i go home on weekends, or at least i have, this trend is of course nearly complete, and i don't imagine anyone cares much what i'm doing. i'll hang out with christine, catch up on tv shows, read a book. no one stays here all the time, everyone has the double life going on. still, it's been an amazing year, that word mainly holding true in its happy sense during second semester. first semester was...what? a learning experience, a holding pattern, the embodiment of that thing i read in nietzsche about love for one person being a piece of barbarism, excluding so many others? something like that.

then second semester. robert pollard singing in my head from about christmas on, huffman prairie flying field, rebirth, flight, all of that. something new. it worked. i met or rediscovered wonderful people. turned my life around. you know who you are.

thank you so much.

i was fucking hysterical last night, and now it's okay. "everything's basically okay." that was my mantra for a while - a while when it wasn't true. no need to say it when it's evident. maybe there is. i'll remind myself, so i don't pull a last night again.

heh, "pull a last night."

that phrase has a short shelf life.