in relatively chronological order:

--

in response to a student using 'robin' as an example of a famous sidekick in literature:
'could you just pretend that this is a course in intellectualism?'

--

'we always love words with -ing. they make us feel sexy.'

--

on symbols and their meaning:
'when in doubt, just say sex.'

--

'don't go to movies. save your money. i know everything.'

'i don't know how to say this, but, if you've ever seen goats fornicate, your sex life is ruined for the next several years.'

'yeats, the great 20th century irish poet, better known to you as GOD.'

--

'this is not the palmer handwriting method-- go to hell.'

'tv? you have to watch people play poker. that's a fate worse than castration.'

'i had to say something obnoxious. i feel so good.'

'if you can't do well on this, i'd like to help you out the window.'

'wait long enough and even i'll be fashionable-- i retract that.'

--

on sophocles:
'if you can get better poetry anywhere, call me collect.'

on getting invited to weddings by students:
' i forbid you to get married while i'm alive.'

a hypothetical people magazine cover story:
why i raped my favourite nun last thursday

--

'has anyone ever been to tuscany? what do you do with yourself? you go to saugus. don't go to saugus.'

'when an italian hasn't got anything to do, he builds a fountain.'

'if you're french in literature, you're in trouble.'

--

'that's elia psychology-- shut up.'

'i'm half dead. i probably am dead but no one's told me.'

'hey, look, let's get sexist.'

--

on anna nicole smith:
'who is the babe that died? 'cause i'm the father.'

--

'you pay me poorly and i don't get any chalk.'

'if one more person tells me they're opening a bed and breakfast, you'll read in the vermont papers: homicidal instructor from salem state slays manhattanite.'

'i was about to touch this piece of chalk, but i don't know. it's a little too phallic for me.'

'i have to make your lives comfortable socially. i have to make your lives comfortable sexually. i'm up every night wondering how my honours students are doing sexually.'

'erin has already declared me the king of sprezzatura, and i have a diploma to prove it.'

--

'what is the logic of these ads we have? with a name like smuckers, it has to be good? why the hell is that?"

'you women won't sleep with anyone who uses the word cool. i forbid you. your soul will be damaged by people who use banal jargon.'

'whores! no, it was hos. from the rap talk.'

'what the hell is barnes & noble filled with other than vade mecums? handbooks on everything; making love on thursdays and everything else.'

--

comment if you have others. god knows i couldn't get them all.