tearing things up and throwing things away.

that was today, or at least part of it. the bittersweet moments of packing early. very early. what else was i to do on a sunday afternoon? so i went after it, i took out a stack of papers i've been meaning to throw away for a while and went through other more recent ones that i've simply neglected to sort in the hectic days of the last few months. i tore things, things that didn't need to be torn, as some sort of anger subsitute. i was visibly, gleefully, and baselessly angry at paper. threw away a lot of things, no regrets either. then again, the nature of regret often causes it to manifest itself later. maybe in a few weeks i'll really want to remember what i got on those sociology papers that are now long gone. most likely not. i threw away half of my childhood when cleaning my room at home a couple of years ago and that hasn't caught up yet.

it might.

then the drawers. my second drawer hasn't been touched except to put things in for basically the entire year, so it was almost like an excavation. a very, very emotionally trying excavation. layers. first, recent things: better save my housing info for next year, my schedule for next year, reminder for finals the next two weeks. then things from earlier and earlier, ending with the original room condition report. the beginning. as i sorted, thoughts: why did i keep some of these things? i almost want to be angry, like with the tearing things that don't need to be torn, but the same logic applies. there's no point. some things are just over.

i haven't stripped the walls yet. that comes last, probably the night before i go, when it will be dark and i'll be less likely to notice the very prison-like nature of this undecorated dorm room that seemed so foreboding back in september. i wonder how well i'll sleep.