i wrote this earlier, between classes:

[elia was, as i have the feeling i will be writing many times in the future, correct. we do remember the bad times above all, in those dark corners of night or morning where we find ourselves alone with our thoughts and nothing else; where we set the scales and try to see what sort of balance we found that day, if we are satisfied with who we are and who we are becoming, or if the inescapable memory of who we were still haunts us. and that's where you have to capture the self, rein in your delusions, and dispense with recognised shortcomings and regrets. that's where you're alone like death, alone like practice for death -- maybe that's all sleep is -- and you step back from yourself and think "okay, me." it's who you actually are, whether you want to be that or not; and, like the finality of death, you have no real choices to make in the face of those certain things which never change. but, unlike death, tomorrow there is always a chance for joy once sleeping is over.]

later, on the long ipod-accompanied walk between north campus and central, i started listening to the ladybug transistor and searching for textual meaning in the lyrics (perhaps the consequence of two lit classes in one day). in the right mood, i can twist anything to be about anything else by wild leap of metaphor and deliberate mistakes in hearing ("if nothing ever happens in our town, that's okay" becomes "if nothing ever happens in autumn, that's okay" by sheer force of will depending on my mood when i listen to the mendoza line), so once i realised what day it was my mind was full of "this song was written for this moment" flights of fancy. i could figure out the exact dates of certain "this time last year" events that plague me, but it's not worth it, i just know that second day of class feeling like i know jeff baron's guitar nudges in "in december," so put the two together in just the right location and my day turns epically sour. sour and poignant like a movie striking the perfect emotional chord, because unfortunately that's how my mind is tuned: it's so easy to see myself as the tragic figure walking by a place as just the right song comes on and the viewer thinks, "damn, that fits perfectly, i love this film."

and it's actually more like death, because there's no future in that.