prettier clouds but i'll still insist there's a wound in the sky. i'm almost through the weekend, the worst of it. thinking of last year and trying to remember specfics, but it's all hazy after a certain point-- a thought i had earlier, what did i do when i got home that night last year? i think i was totally calm because i'd cried in the car the whole way back to dracut, i'd come back after SWTP to an empty room and remained as calm as possible, the long hallways of empty bowditch seeming despair-ridden enough, no one to talk to, that burst of emotion would have been superfluous. i just made arrangements to get home as quickly as possible, listened to music, and tried to piece the world together in my mind. i don't know how many times i listened to "truce" that night.

so by the time i got home i had that post-crying calm, when everything seems ever so still and you're not okay but you have perspective. the dark of two a.m. in late october and the stars above my house guided me to my room and to bed and to comfort. but this is speculation, i don't know where i was mentally after i got back, just that i didn't think i'd be able to go back to school for a long time. then i slept in a little and made it back the very next day. just hours later: maybe in my dreams i sorted it out enough to realise i needed to just go back and get back into life and not just retreat home regardless of what i was going through. then some other things happened and heartbreak was diluted enough that i could function for the next few months, into now.

then halloween '05 came and i missed any festivities but i talked (unexpectedly) to becky, and it had been quite a while at the time, and we had our brief correspondence. she wrote me a letter i didn't get until january and i wrote her a letter that she didn't get until much later where i explained exactly what had been going on that night and those before it, and i included a thought, something along the lines of "we're still young and all the world is before us." i'm still young and i still feel that way, but with each passing year it becomes less and less valid a worldview. but in a year so very much has changed.