i have produced, as a product of tedium, narcissism, and guilt at not updating this blog more often, a collection of short utterances (chronologically unkempt) for those too cool (or not cool enough) to follow my doings on twitter. please to enjoy:


@AKGovSarahPalin Sure, remain all smug with those ethics complaint dismissals. Polar bears are organising against you even as we tweet.

Read your Mencius.

#Fringe prediction: Gene comes to terms with his Vicodin abuse, goes to bovine mental hospital.

I also like my history notes because of lines like this: 'PM Deligiannis mobilises Greek army and attacks Ottoman Empire, gets served.'

Does this #tweemyjobs thing have anything to do with working for a revived Sarah Records? If not, I am not interested.

The National Brain Tumor Society almost sounds pro-tumour. I mean, the National Rifle Association isn't a support group for gunshot victims.

Driving behind a truck carrying something called 'Icynene,' kept thinking it said 'Ice-nine.' Kept thinking no, no. This is a bad idea.

World: please cease all usage of the phrase 'rugged individualism.' Thanks!

Lessons learned from Sabrina the Teenage Witch: true beauty is on the inside, be careful what you wish for, 'Russia probably will collapse.'

I can't stand grown men who refer to their friends as 'buddies' and talk about professional wrestling with such...gusto.

Topics covered tonight: Melville's sexuality, pipe wrench fights, the oddity of a barber shop called 'Killy's,' Sylvia Plath, and faeries.

No love for Denise Crosby, Family Guy?

Two minutes of Fox News: an OH NO OBAMA COZYING UP TO CASTRO story and a commercial for Total. This channel exists to scare old people.

I wrote in 'Anti-Zombie Civil Service Brigade' on a survey of what community service I would volunteer for.

I got Laura so into Fringe that when she hears John Noble speaking with his normal accent she calls him 'New Zealand Walter.'

@NicoleCristelli Started looking into pirate schools. We should have started the search a while ago. They want so many extracurriculars.

Comment I made in Arthurian Literature:'Neil Gaiman's "Chivalry" reads like something Steven Millhauser would write if he ran out of ideas.'

In class that Twain book was described as 'a permanent smile burning to death.' You know, like if somebody set the Cheshire Cat on fire.

No one on Jeopardy knew what 'deus vult' means.

Just for the record, I spent the morning quoting Philip Larkin at confused freshmen and musing on an independent Hawaiian queendom.

As Meat Loaf gets older, his resemblance to Neil Young approaches 100%.

Partaking of the devil's ham.

I keep hearing about angry populism. Grand. Let's codify it, harness it, shall we? We need Ignatius Donnelly up in this motherfucker. #AIG

Okay, T.H. White: it's fine that you spell the queen's name as 'Guenever,' but she still can't be 'Jenny' for short. It doesn't work.

As a tribute to Genevieve, I want to bring back the expression 'on the horn' to the workplace.

MySpace became self-aware at 6:36 P.M. today, sending me an e-mail with the subject 'Hey Matt, did you watch The Simpsons last night?'

@NicoleCristelli So, Angkor Wat Barbie? Pretty awesome.

Laura bought a Star Trek action figure (new Spock) which features a creepy severed 'interchangeable Vulcan salute hand.'

I think I would love the Caucasus in the morning.

Bitesize Nicktoon nostalgia: a sad crying clown in an iron lung, Wheezin' Ed, Tommy in the dead letter office, MR. SENSIBLE.

I have rarely cared less about a fictional ship.

Conficker will give your computer Sphaeropsis blight and cause your sister to carouse with botanical illustrators of questionable character.

Apparently buying the coconut chicken product I am about to enjoy implies joining a 'Chicken Revolution.' When do we storm the embassy?